COMEY: I HAD TO DESTROY THE PRESIDENT IN ORDER TO SAVE MYSELF

COMEY:
THE SOM’BITCH FIRED ME.
TIME FOR A LITTLE TOIL & TROUBLE.

BACK BAR ROOM:  COMEY & TROLLS PRESENT

TROLL “’A”:
WE GONNA GET THAT SHITHEAD ?
TROLL “B”:
SURE WE ARE !
TROLL “C”:
DUH, HOW?

COMEY:
WELL, I’M DIRECTORFIX MAXIMUS OF THE FEDERAL POLICE.
I CAN FIX ANYONE

TROLL “C” :
UGH, HOW YA GONNA DO THAT WITH A PRESIDENT?
TROLL “B”:
WHEN THE FBI IS OUT TO MAKE A CASE, THERE AIN’T NO SUCH THING AS INNOCENT
TROLL “A”:
SO YOU GONNA ASSASSINATE HIM?

COMEY:
NA, SAFER AND EASIER – CHARACTER ASSASSINATION.
THE DIRECTORFIX MAXIMUS’ PRESIDENT “MUST BE ABOVE SUSPICION” !

TROLL “C”:
BUT, THE PRESIDENT DIDN’T DO ANYTHING, DID HE?
TROLL “A”:
RIGHT.  BUT DOESN’T MATTER.
TROLL “C”:
HUH?
TROLL “A”:
OH, SURE HE DID.
AFTER COMEY OUTED HIS EGO IN PUBLIC, THE FOOL FIRED HIM.
TROLL “C”:
YA MEAN, JUST ‘CAUSE HE GOT COMEY MAD?
TROLL “B”:
THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S A VIOLATION OF POTOMAC LORE TO VIOLATE A DIRECTORIX MAXIMUS OF THE HOLY FBI OFFICE

COMEY:
RIGHT, DON’T CONCERN YOURSELF WITH DETAILS.
THE “FBI CAN ALWAYS GET ANY MAN”

CHORUS OF TROLLS:
WE’LL DRINK TO THAT.

COMEY:
YEA, CHAMPAGNE IS DUE FOR MY GREAT FEAT.

TROLL “C”:
BUT, DON’T YA REALLY NEED FACTS AND DETAILS?
TROLL “A”:
WORRYWORT.  FBI DOESN’T NEED FACTS.  IT JUST MAKES THE FACTS IT NEEDS.
TROLL “B”:
YES, WE THANK GOD FOR THE GOVERNMENT’S CONTEMPT FOR THE PEOPLE.
ACCORDING TO WASHINGTON’S LORE

“FBI MEMOS ARE ABOVE SUSPICION” !

TROLL “A”:
SO, GONNA WRITE UP THAT DUMB ASS?
TROLL “C”:
CAN HE DO THAT NOW?
TROLL “B”:
SURE, FBI CAN CREATE ANYTHING.

COMEY:
DON’T WORRY, BOYS.
I GOT IT COVERED.
I ALWAYS WRITE MY MEMOS IN TRIPLICATE:
“A”:  IF IT PLAYS OUT GOOD – THEN I’M THE HERO
B:  IF IT PLAYS OUT BAD – THEN THE OTHERS ARE THE FALL GUYS
C:  AND ALWAYS WRITE  A “PYA”, JUST IN CASE, SOMEONE LOOKS AT ME

TROLL “A”:
WE DO HUMPTY DUMPTY ONE BETTER:
WE CREATE THE WORDS WE WANT – AND DICTATE THE MEANING TO THE PUBLIC
TROLL “C”:
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
TROLL “B”:
I LEAK THE MEMO TO GET WASHINGTON TO APPOINT A SPECIAL PROSECUTOR
TROLL “C”:
I DON’T GET IT.  WHAT’S SO SPECIAL?
TROLL “B”:
WELL, YOU INSURE THAT YOUR FELLOW FORMER DIRECTORIX MAXIMUS BE HANDED THE BATON – SO HE CAN EXONERATE ANOTHER DIRECTORIX MAZIMUS FOR CREATING MEMOS IN TRIPLICATE.

COMEY:
SEE, I AM ABOVE SUSPICION

CHORUS OF TROLLS:
Oh, the shark has rows of  teeth, folks,
And he bares them for the bite;

But MacComey’s got a Memo,
Which hides a wicked knife.

The shark shows off its gore
when he gets in a fearful bite

But MacComey guts his prey,
with his shirt still pearly white.

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